This past weekend marked the 7th anniversary of the Sandy Hook elementary school shooting in Newtown, Connecticut. Unique to this year is that more time has now passed without these children in this world than we had with them in it.

As such, I felt especially compelled to visit the site of the deadliest primary/secondary school shooting in the history of the United States. I never want to forget and I’ve never quite been able to cope appropriately. Given it’s the holiday season and my emotions are running high, I’ve been thinking about these families who suddenly and so tragically lost their loved ones. I’m overcome with pain and sadness thinking how hard this time of year must be for them.

On the drive there, I was nervous. I wasn’t sure how my heart, mind and body would respond. But I knew there would be a reaction because it’s weighed on me for a long time. I wasn’t even sure exactly where to go (i.e. was there a makeshift memorial still?) so I headed directly to the school. I felt surprisingly calm as I drove and walked the grounds searching for some type of dedication (only to find out later that night that they did not build a memorial at the new school site). At some point, I finally gave up on my search and sat down on a bench in front of the school in an area that seemed to have some peaceful energy surrounding it.

My nine-year-old daughter was in the car. She had just awoken from a nap as we pulled in and, as I got out of the car, I only told her that I needed a few minutes. Nothing about why. I knew I had to find a way to explain this to her but I just wasn’t ready to start into it before I felt it out myself. I spent about five minutes alone in reflection and prayer. I’m not necessarily religious but I have faith and it felt right to slowly percolate my thoughts and feelings.

I then asked my daughter to join me. I explained where we were and I was very honest about it all. I told her what happened seven years ago and how my heart was broken for these families and the community because what they lost. I expressed how it was important for me to honor their legacy with my presence and that this visit was part of my healing journey. She didn’t ask to leave. She knew I needed my moment.
As we sat close together, I summarized that horrific day in enough detail as she needed and no more. She had many questions and I answered what I could. I explained to her how grateful we need to be in our own lives because we have been fortunate to not suffer loss at this level. I also addressed the safety component and the importance of being vigilant, assuring her that these incidents are extremely rare and that she should feel safe. As parents, we need to make decisions on a regular basis regarding how much we shelter them from the realities of the world we live in.

We took a picture (above photo) to capture the solemnness of this setting and the power of the moment. I am one who routinely finds inspiration and personal growth by having things around me (primarily photos) that can un-wake my emotions when needed to help me stay grounded and make good choices. It will live somewhere in our home and remind us to be grateful and compassionate every time we look at it.

For those who are wondering, I did go back and forth on whether my daughter was “ready” to be present at the site of this horrible event, let alone be told of it. I shared the plan with a couple of my friends and without much discussion and given their body language, I gathered they would probably have made a different decision than I. But that’s okay. We all make choices based off our values and instincts and what we predict will come from each of our actions.

We had just spent the past couple days in New York City visiting close friends, shopping, taking in the city in all its spectacular holiday spirit and seeing the first ever Broadway production of A Christmas Carol. It doesn’t get more special than that at this time of the year.

Driving out of our way to honor these lives felt exactly appropriate, especially considering how lucky we were coming off such a joyous and extraordinary day and a half in Manhattan. Sometimes it’s too easy to get caught up in our own troubles or happiness to put the most important things in perspective, especially during the fever and excitement of the holidays. That is – it’s not all about us! And, when it comes down to it, the opportunity to be alive and be able to love is the most precious gift.

It’s taken me a few days to process this experience. I’ve been overcome with survivor’s guilt and uncontrollably sobbed to my mother as the pain temporarily became too much. I finally stabilized my emotions so I could get this written.

This holiday season, I am choosing to send a meaningful amount of my love to the Newtown community. I want them to know that I will carry the memories of their loved ones throughout my holidays and for all the years to come. Please don’t forget to pause and think about others who may not be as fortunate to have all the people they love with them this holiday season.

+++++++++++++++++++++++

I asked my daughter to reflect on the day too and here is what she had to say in her own words:

I went to Sandy Hook school and my dad told me about the anniversary of the shooting they had at the school in 2012. I am writing down some jots of what I feel about this shooting at Sandy Hook. I think it is very unfair for the parents who had they children killed in this shooting especially around the Christmas year. Its also very sad for other loved ones who loved the child who died in the shooting and for friends and teachers and other students.