My Answers to a Reporter’s Questions for the Article: “Single Moms vs. Single Dads: Examining the Double Standards of Single Parenthood” by Maressa Brown (Parents Magazine, November 25, 2019)
Q: There’s some tension for some people around the definition of single parent — whether being a divorced, co-parenting mom or dad isn’t quite the same as being a widowed single parent or person physically parenting alone. How do you define single parent? What are your thoughts on this debate around the definition?
A: There is definitely some serious tension, but I’ve only come to experience it since I started my Instagram blog earlier this year. After I told my single father story on Love What Matters, I received some messages asserting I wasn’t a “single” dad because I co-parented; and every once in a while, I will see someone comment the same on a new blog post. I’ve remained neutral. I haven’t seen the value in defending my thinking on it and/or advocating for a specific meaning. There will never be a universally accepted definition. People will believe what they believe – and I am okay with that.
What I have stated publicly is my belief that someone parenting completely on their own (no co-parent, no spouse or significant other) is much harder than what I do as a co-parent. On the flip side, some may argue it’s harder as a co-parent because there is arguably more disagreement and conflict to deal with. But I see that as circumstantial and part of what comes when two parents are involved, whether together or separate. If you are on your own with your child(ren) all the time, that is unbelievably challenging and much more exhausting than co-parenting (again that is my opinion and I get others will see it differently and that is okay too). “Difficult” is a feeling and subjective term.
I view being a single parent as someone who raises a child without a partner in the household. Others would say it means doing it without the other parent present in the child’s life. Why can’t it be both? For me, I’ve lived on my own since my daughter was 2. I refer to myself as a single parent because when my daughter is with me, it’s just me (outside some short relationships of which neither lived with me). This means I have parented on my own the past 7+ years. I’m a single parent who co-parents.
The debate will continue to carry on. In the end, it shouldn’t matter. The point I try to make is that if we are getting caught up in a “title” then we are missing the message! Defining a single parent is irrelevant and distracting. We just need to be the best parents.
But I get that some parents will perceive their situations as more challenging and it may be that the definition/title is very meaningful to them. Who am I to disagree? I’m just trying to be the best parent the only way I know how! The purpose of my blog is to candidly share my joys and challenges of raising a child this way – for what that’s worth to the people who follow me. It’s all I know.
It’s possible too that the tension is a symptom of the female-male power struggle. I’ve yet to have a father express his dissatisfaction over my use of “single” dad. I’m sure there’s some interesting psychology to it but that is beyond my professional expertise. It may be this pervasive perception that if there’s a single father, the single mother must be doing all the work. However, that thinking is conventional in marriages too. Any parent who feels they aren’t being supported fairly by the other parent is going to feel more strongly about what the title means; and more commonly it’s the father not delivering on his parental obligations. So, I can see how a woman/mother would want to protect/defend her role as the more capable parent; especially in a world where women aren’t always treated fairly in the workforce.
Q: What expectations do you think are placed on you as a single parent in general? Specifically, as a single father?
A: To be honest, I don’t think much about expectations as a single parent. She is my child and I hold myself accountable for being the best possible parent for her. I know there are people in this world who believe a child is worse off for being raised in a single parent and/or co-parenting environment. I’ve always believed that the only thing that truly matters is that both a child’s parents love and care for them with the deepest intention. Everything from there will fall into place as it naturally should.
I think the one notable expectation that is placed on a single father is to provide financial support. I felt that for sure, and I’m not saying I shouldn’t have. When I became a single parent, I felt I had no choice but to assume the responsibility of financially supporting my daughter. This is where I felt the weight of expectations to be prodigious. I felt as if I’d be frowned upon and/or shunned if I advocated to be the stay-at-home parent. I’d be in trouble with the court and potentially at risk of being arrested if I fought for this. I didn’t even feel like I could raise it as a topic of discussion without some negative implication.
None of this is easy. There are no hard and fast guidelines. Raising children as single parents or co-parents or whatever is hard. People should be judged based on merit, not by gender.
Q: How do you feel you’re perceived/treated by society as a single father, in general? As compared to people you know who are single mothers? (I know this echoes the previous question, but I think the distinction is what people/society believes you should be doing vs. preconceived notions of who you are/what your life is like).
A: I’m not sure anyone would disagree that fathers are generally perceived as the subordinate parent. Without getting into all the reasons for why this might be (science, religion, traditional gender roles, etc.), I think we can establish it’s the widely accepted notion. Mothers are more commonly viewed as the better caretakers and I am not necessarily disputing that philosophy. I’m just bothered that (1) we don’t have a level playing field when it comes to a situation where both the mother and the father are equally loving and capable of being great parents; or (2) that a father has more convincing to do when in a situation where the mother is underperforming as a parent vs the opposite. But I also understand how we got here. Historically, fathers have underachieved as parents a lot more often than mothers.
There is undoubtedly a lack of equal parenting rights. We see this reflected in our laws. Fathers are treated differently. In some states, 50-50 physical custody isn’t automatically presumed when parents separate. Imagine how infuriating that is to a father who wants nothing more than to be an integral part of his child’s life? This is because the court system (which is partially a reflection of social mood) assumes the best interest of the child is to be with the mother more often. But the system is designed to play the odds and protect against “deadbeat dads!” It’s an unfortunate reality that many fathers don’t care to parent or lack the ability or motivation to do so. This has created the perception that it’s in a child’s best interest to spend more time with their mother and creates an uphill battle for fathers who want nothing more than to be devoted and engaged.
Part of the bias is inherent in society’s views of gender roles. As a father, I feel like I constantly have to prove myself in order to be taken seriously as a parent. And I’m not just saying that because of a hunch I have. I see it in action. A parent hesitates when I ask if their daughter can come over to play and almost always follows it with an excuse. A teacher defaults to the mother when sharing school information. I typically just shrug it off as letting it get to me does no good. Instead, I can use this energy to be a better father for my daughter. I’ve accepted that these preconceived notions are still very present. All I can do is my small part to shift these perceptions by dominating this opportunity I have to be an influential parent in my daughter’s life. I lead by example.
I also have a feeling that it might not so much be a mother-father thing as it is a married versus single parent prejudice. But we can explore that another time.
Q: Although we’re making strides in terms of equality and parental leave in the workplace, it still seems like dads who take time away from work to care for their children are celebrated and rewarded when they return to the workplace. But then again, fathers are often faced with this societal perception that moms parent best. Would love your thoughts on these social behaviors + stereotypes. Have you been affected by them, and if so, how so?
A: I may have answered this partially in my response to the previous question(s).
I’m encouraged because we are starting to see some real progress around workplace equality, and this is important in advancing the establishment of equal parenting rights.
While fathers may receive special praise for taking more time off work around the birth of their child or another family event than before, and, yes, that certainly shows a gender bias in parenting, I still think there are underlying negative effects. Employers are simply complying with new laws which prevent discrimination based on gender. A parent who steps away from work to care for his spouse and/or child is taking a professional risk and I think most would agree it is definitely more pronounced for a father.
My previous employer said they supported me as a single parent and approved some flexibility in my schedule to handle my parental obligations. But I question how genuine this was because I was routinely questioned about my absences. In fact, my boss once told me that my choice to be an involved parent was honorable but was limiting me in my career (which in other words was saying he wished I was making a different choice). That’s a dose of truth serum for sure. I think the comment was misguided but that mindset is common culture in corporate America still, though employers are doing the basics to make you feel otherwise as their main interest is to reduce their liability.
Yet, and I want to be sure to express that I can only speak from my experience, single mothers did not face the same scrutiny. Maybe it was favoritism or seniority or something outside of gender bias, but I definitely felt uncomfortable about it.
I know I have consciously sacrificed advancement in my career to be a better parent and I don’t regret it the slightest.
Q: What benefits do you think there are to being a single dad vs. single mom in our society? Specific challenges to being a single dad vs. mom?
A: To be honest, I am uncomfortable answering this question in the way you asked it. If we want equality in parenting, we can’t be talking about why it’s better or worse to be a single father or mother. Let me answer it a different way.
I think there are some incredible benefits to being a single parent. When I am explaining my situation and experience for the first time to people, I always lead with this – while I would trade the life I have to be able to see my child every day, that is not an option; and so I completely embrace the situation I have and make the most of it. Being a single parent is uniquely special and I never would have imagined I could be this happy raising a daughter on my own.
There are some unique challenges as well. Prioritization is hard. I’ve needed to sacrifice in some areas. My joy and successes as a single father have come at the expense of some things such as a romantic relationship or advancing my career. As a single parent, I worry about it and wonder if I am making the right decisions. But I know that being an awesome dad makes me feel better than anything. If there are consequences down the road then I’ll be able to approach them more courageously because my relationship with my child is so rewarding.
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We need to get to a place where we can sincerely accept that a father’s love is no less than a mother’s and being a single parent doesn’t make us any less functional as a parent. But we, as single fathers, need to love and ACT for this to be true as well as to break unfavorable stereotypes which are impeding progress for equal parenting rights.
Single parenthood should be celebrated! It may not be what we envisioned for our child or our own life, but it doesn’t mean it can’t be an incredible experience. And we shouldn’t let the negative societal perceptions get us down – as single mothers and fathers.
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